Personal Log, Lt. Jen Lee

Stardate 9905.04

Since the memorial service for Doctor Alexander Drakken, I felt completely beside myself. Somehow, recording a standard personal log did not feel like it was "enough." Therefore, I have decided to begin a journal, so that I can write out, longhand, my thoughts and feelings.

By speaking at the memorial, I realized quite a bit about myself. At the time of my rescue, I was torn in two. One part of me was grateful for the help, since T'Mar and I were attempting to leave after sabotaging the Fulian vessel. Another part of me is angry and hurt since I was saved, T'Mar wasn't, and the Doctor is gone.

T'Mar and I were trying to leave the vessel, but were stopped by E'Gret, who wanted both of us dead. Thankfully, Lieutenant Quell's team found us at that point. Of course, they couldn't know the so called strange affinity I had for T'Mar. Yes, he began as my captor, and I loathed him with every fiber of my being. But, after the shock of being kidnapped wore off, I realized that he was only following orders. In the line of duty, we all must sometimes do things we normally wouldn't want to.

In the time that I spent with T'Mar, we became friends and confidantes. The day that we escaped, I had thought I would be living with the Fulians for the rest of my days. With that acceptance, came the realization that under T'Mar's care, my life would not have been all that bad. I even allowed my heart to open to him. That is why his death effected me so harshly. I am grateful I was able to remove from his body his family necklace, for E'Gret and his cronies would not have given it the respect it deserves.

T'Mar comes from a very long and noble line of Fulians, and it is with pride that I wear his necklace about my neck. Had we stayed on the Fulian ship, without the sabotage, of course, we would have been married legally probably within the week. As it was, he had "claimed" me as his own, and I was "off-limits" to any other wanting Fulian men. I guess you could call it an engagement. Granted, at the time that it was enacted, I did not feel for T'Mar as I do now.

To see him shot down in front of me wrecked me emotionally. Once we returned to the Federation, and I realized what my life would now entail, I realized that not only was T'Mar dead, but the Doctor as well. The Doctor is dead because of me. If I hadn't sent that subspace message, which is how I presume the Federation found me, he would be alive right now.

Of course, we don't have confirmation of either T'Mar's or the Doctor's death, but we must presume them to be so. It is my sincerest wish to finally find out what actually happened to them. Maybe in so doing, I can continue my life in a happy manner. Once I know for certain that they are both dead, I can grieve and then move on. Neither of them will be forgotten, and both will be missed terribly.

On review of this document I am writing, I realize that I have many issues which need to be dealt with. Therefore, I will contact Lieutenant Trull, and schedule another counseling appointment. Hopefully with her help, and the help of this journal, and with time, my personal life can begin on the road to recovery.

� ��

� � � �